Monday, July 18, 2016

The day I came back to life

We all have those pivotal moments in our lives that we can look back on and see exactly where our path changed. I had a moment like that back in the fall of 1993, as clear as the ringing of a bell. I was working on a quilt, using a crappy sewing machine that fought me on every stitch. Quilting was my haven from the hectic life of raising four rambunctious boys, it was the only thing I did that stayed done. I loved everything about quilting, especially the math-yness, the puzzling out the numbers of yardage, pieces to cut, the order of construction. Kent found me sobbing in frustration as I ripped out again, a seam that my machine couldn't manage. Somehow, in that moment, I knew that quilting was "my thing", it was going to be "my thing". Because he believes in me more than I can ever understand, we figured out how to get me the machine I needed (a used Bernina 1530), and, well, here I am today.

For twenty years I knew who I was and where I was going, and I was making good time. The boys were growing up into fine young men (much to my relief) and my career in quilting was successful beyond my wildest dreams. Opportunities weren't just knocking on my door, they were pounding and I said yes, come in, have a seat, make yourself at home. It was exciting, fulfilling, challenging and meaningful.

And then the wheels came off in a slow motion crash and burn. There wasn't any bright moment of enlightenment, but a slow dawning that I was tired and unhappy. I felt pigeon-holed, trapped by my own success, and that I had used up all of my smart words. So I stopped saying yes to everything, and finally stopped saying yes to anything. This was supposed to make me happy.

Instead, I found myself in this weird sort of limbo. Having this luxury of time, but without focus, feels rather self-indulgent and wasteful. Don't get me wrong, I've been having all sorts of fun being off task. There are knitting groups, embroidery guilds, fiber artisan groups, spinning groups, and quilting guilds galore. I've joined them all, met some really terrific people and learned some wonderful stuff.

At the same time I've come to see that this life of going with the flow doesn't really suit me. I'm just too young to be this old. I've realized that I have a few words left that someone might yet like to hear. I've remembered that I get to be in charge of who I am and where I go, and I have mad skills!

When I look back on this time, twenty years from now, I want to see this as the day I came back to my life. I'll see all of the growth that came in my time off, even the time that felt wasted because it taught me what feels restful. I'll see that the path wasn't straight, that I often didn't even know where it was going, but I still went, and darned if I didn't make good time.

Maybe it's silly to think I can look back from the future, but I'm going to go with it. How else do we find purpose and direction for our lives? All I know is that I've flunked retirement. Watch out world, I have no idea what comes next, any more than I did in ninety-three, but I just know it's going to be awesome.

14 comments:

  1. Peggy Welchert2:09 PM

    Beth I love this post! I love knowing someone else feels the same way I feel. I love that you are coming to terms with your feelings. I especially love you statement "I'm just too young to be this old." You go girl, show the world how awesome you are even if it means no retirement!

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  2. I felt the same way when I retired about 4 years ago and we relocated to our dream home in Northern Michigan. All of a sudden, after going 1000 miles per hour for what seemed like 40 years I came to an abrupt STOP! Yes, I enjoyed sleeping in, having nothing on my calendar, waking up each day and asking myself what did I want to do today (not what someone else was expecting me to do). It felt good ... for awhile. I joined groups, guilds, had lunches with friends, put together social gatherings for like-minded quilting friends ... all very enjoyable activities. But there is still something missing ... not quite sure what it is ... but I have "quieted my mind" so I can hear God's words and my own words ... it's hard to hear them if you are not "listening". I am praying that an "answer" will come ... I believe it will ... it always has in the past ... and, like you, I have no idea what is ahead but what I do know that, like you, I am too young to be old ;-) Linda

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  3. We will be anxious to see what is next for you!!!!!!

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  4. Hi Beth, a great post beautifully written. I'll be so anxious to see where you land, and I hope that our paths will cross again soon. You're always so much fun!

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  5. So many changes these past few years and with the heart giving you a "hey there" I am sure you are reflecting bother backward and forward! Good luck...we all know you will be successful in whatever adventure awaits you!

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  6. So glad you're back! I can't wait to see where you go.

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  7. I can't wait to see what comes next. You go girl!

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  8. Beth, I'm with you. At 61, I still have a WHOLE lot more that I need to do with myself, and my chosen art form - the art and craft of the quilt! I believe we can do whatever we want in life - it's up to us!

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  9. You are awesome! I can't wait to see what this next chapter will be, and so glad I can be along for a little piece of the ride here on your blog!

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  10. OMG! I so get what you are saying. Hubby Bill retired last December and I semi-retired. I feel so unproductive and unfocused. I need the focus of a job (even if it's developing my own pattern business) to keep my mind sharp. Quilting makes up a large part of our own personal "fabric" - it is woven into our very being. It's so encouraging to hear that you and others feel the same way. Keep on truckin'!

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  11. Anonymous3:40 PM

    I retired 4 yrs ago too. If I didn't have quilting, sewing and block of the month projects to download..... I'm not sure what I would have done with myself!! Wishing you luck in your upcoming adventures. Can't wait to see where your path leads you!

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  12. You were one of the quilters who inspired me.. I can hear you talking and teaching about applique as though you are in my sewing room.. I only know you from appearances you made on TV shows.. but what an impression you made.

    I have always been a quiet person... simple life.. simple needs.. retirement has given me the quiet and bliss to follow my path.

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  13. Nancy3:40 PM

    I was fired last year from a job that I loved and hated. In the last year I've come to terms with my father's death, the loss and gain of friendships, and having too much and too little time for everything that needs to get done. I definitely hear you. I've found peace in my devotional life and am amazed at how that "quiet" moment makes everything else make sense. Good to have you back! Your designs are inspired....

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